“A Dream”

Essay by Kritique Amayzin

On my seventeenth birthday … actually to be honest I can’t even remember what happened on my seventeenth birthday. So much has happened this past year that one little thing like my birthday, does not faze me. Subconsciously, I think I tried to brace myself for this year, not expecting much so as not to set myself up for disappointment. However, no matter how hard I tried not to care, and not let anything faze or disappoint me, something always did. Back in the day, I used to be so happy and full of life. I remember just always trying to light up a room with a bright smile. That’s just how I was. Then my family moved at the beginning of my sophomore year in high school. I feel that the move really changed me, for the better and the worst. I feel that through all this mental molestation my spirit has begun to deteriorate and my smile is no longer there. Instead, all of my constant worries and struggles form a scowl on my face.

Swallow the pain, follow the mental terrain.
It takes a hell of a man, nowadays to maintain.
Garments bloodstained, face bruised and battered,
Our eyes reflect the agony, of dreams that were shattered.
(“Lift Your Fist”, Gang Starr)
When did this change in me happen? I’m not sure … maybe it was when I was approached by racist skinheads telling me to “go back to where I came from.” Maybe it came from the constant harassment I faced when all the females from around the way tried to jump me and hurt me in any way possible. Oftentimes I think it was when the young man I loved and trusted with all my heart and soul used me and up and left me when I needed him most. It also could have been when all my close friends from The Bay (a.k.a., Berkeley, California) seemed to be stuck in this cycle of destruction; some of them dead, some locked up, and some just completely lost. And then maybe, amidst these layers of hurt, my soul stopped breathing when I was physically assaulted and stripped of my dignity and self respect. After that, I could no longer handle who I saw in the mirror and felt trapped because I hated my life. As a result, I ended up in the hospital for a week. Although I was trying to heal, the bad situations continued to surface. Weeks later, I was arrested for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was making all the wrong decisions. During these hard times, I felt my body had been completely drained of all happiness and of my loving spirit. I was feeling closed-in by all the wrong people, circumstances, and choices. I knew I had to figure out how to maintain and grow.

Listen people listen, lift up your hearts to God,
Lift up your soul, teach your children Wisdom,
Reality today … So they can live tomorrow.
(“Drama”, Erykah Badu)
No matter how bad my life seemed to be getting, I always had this picture in my head that I could deal with it myself. I did not want to involve anyone. I mean to me, who did I have to turn to? My parents? Hell no, they would never understand. I mean, I was living in a place where I had no real family and no true friends. There was no place that I could go where I really felt I belonged. I felt trapped and alone. All of this led to my self destruction, a path that once you get on, it is so hard to get off.

I can’t believe that we’re still livin’
oh in this crazy crazy world that I’m still livin’.
(“Drama”, Erykah Badu)
I’ve realized that it’s rough growing up in this society a minority among the minorities, and being a young lady not afraid of speaking my mind. I have to stay strong and healthy and keep an open mind—ready for anything that comes my way. I realize that this society is not meant for people like me to succeed and live happy lives. It is my enduring spirit—despite and maybe because of these painful experiences—that makes me special and different from all the rest. And now that I have it back, I will never let others have control over my spirit again.

Too many tears of pain, too many years of struggle.
Too many drops of blood, too many problems to juggle.
Too few jobs available, too few schools equipped.
Too few role models; just gangsters and pimps.
Will you succumb, will your heart grow numb,
or will you save the world, and use your mind like a gun?
(“Lift Your Fist”, Gang Starr)
My eighteenth birthday though must be different … I mean, it has to be different because I am trying to mend my spirit, my heart and my soul from all the horrible things that I have had to experience to become the young woman I am today. As my mother always told me “What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.”

It's a cold world, and I'm one of the last suns
Forever shinin, even when the sky’s grey.
Will I eternally suffer? Mama tell me it will be okay.
Chains at my window, I just wanna be free.
I'm not scared to die, but why must my people bleed?
I gotta get somethin, it's my destiny.
To all wives up in heaven, I say blessin me.
Less I be the next fallen angel, tangled in the web
Givin a fuck about nothin, better off dead.
But I don't wanna be ill, don't wanna be a woman token,
So I rock mics, and spread love, just keep hopin.
Knowin these rainy days, they can't last forever,
Tellin myself, “Young world, things will only get better.”
(“A Dream”, Mystic)